May 13th, Mom took the easy southern flight down to visit. It was great. We took in the quilt museum in Paducah, spent way too much in Khols (shhhh, don’t tell Jim), and finished up projects I never knew I had! We crossed the Tennessee River, Ohio River, and the Cumberland River while driving 90mph on the interstate (my first time)! We had time to catch up on the latest happenings in our lives over ice cream in an ancient ice cream parlor in Paducah and walked along the boardwalk. We ventured into several antique stores downtown and found nothing but a cookbook….and…a stench we carried with us the whole way home! There sure is something about the smell of antique shops. Mom hated the smell, but for some reason I welcomed it. It certainly brought back a flood of memories from my past. Our trip was great; however, we knew it would come to an end. On May 20th, Mom flew out on an 11:30 flight. I was miserable.
Lets not forget I held in my tears until I hit the interstate. Then the flood washed over me. No, I’m not talking about the tears just yet, I’m talking literally about a flood. I came into a HUGE thunderstorm right as I merged onto I-24 W to Clarksville. Might I add, this was my first time driving on the interstate…ALONE. Yep, I balled my eyes out the whole way home. I drove about 45mph in the downpour that was so bad I had to have my flashers on and eyes glued to the windshield. Now, mind you, I could not see when it started pouring on the outside of the car, so it did not help I had a flood on the inside too. I called Mom and she talked me through my tears, inside and out. Only by the grace of God did I make it home. You may think that to be an exaggeration, but it’s not. The thunder roared and lighting lit up the sky. There had to have been about three inches of rain on the road in some places. When I finally got home, I looked like a wreck, felt like a wreck, and acted like a wreck. I moped all afternoon and into the night. Mom did make it home safely and on time despite the weather.
On to the next day…I moped around even worse. I balled and balled. I was alone. Again. All day I sat on my duff in front of the television watching movies I’d seen million times before only this time I was paying way more attention to them. The animals and I sat…on the couch…all day.
As for today, I did get out of the house with a friend. Did a bit of shopping, a bit of exercise and attempting to get back to “normal” whatever that is. I am hoping tomorrow I will re-emerge as a new HAPPY person. Mom did mention I was a bit more negative nowadays…can you blame me? The whole trip I kept telling her I am just a realist and she kept telling me to “BE HAPPY”. How can I be happy when I’m completely and entirely alone? My husband, best friend and confidant, is gone. He is in a war zone and here I am forced to act as if everything is okay…Well, not right now. I do miss him more than ever. And now, I miss my Mommy too. I miss my whole family more than I ever thought possible.
So, tomorrow is a new day to make a difference in myself. I think I’ll start my day with God. Only He knows exactly what I’m going through and exactly what I need. I need Him.
I’ll let you know how it goes…LOVE LOVE
