Life: Taken in or Taken up

This afternoon I heard little footsteps playing on the playground out back. I took a step out onto the porch just in time to hear a little boy’s voice say, “Hey guys, I’m your military dad” meaning that he was pretending to be one of the other little child’s fathers. He then scurries up the stairs to the slide and while he heads to the top says, “Bye, bye.”

This little boy has only known the military life where his military daddy always says, “Bye, bye.” A piece of my heart broke in the second that I heard the little boy’s voice. Wondering how on earth I could be in a part of the United States where families currently consist of a mother and her children while the father is deployed. The child is supported and cared for by the mother while the father reads him a storybook through the webcam or is only able to hear his voice through the broken communication line.

This reminds me of a familial moment I secretly observed yesterday. One swing was occupied by a little girl about four years old who was being pushed by her mother and the swing swaying beside hers was heavy with her uniformed father.

Through this little family I saw that joy can be found in the most simple of places with the hope that lies with each passing moment and it completely changed how I perceived the military family with the absence of a father. Some families have to wait an entire year to feel this joy of a father being around. Realizing today that not only is a husband absent but also a father and I am not just speaking of my situation but of many others who are my dear friends here. Yes, the mother is an enormous force that helps operate on robot mode but only to get from today to tomorrow to the next year. The joy that is experienced is very intimate within each whole family as it may not happen very often.

Witnessing this joy of a four year old having her father and mother right beside her is the furthest thing from all for naught. Seeing the little boy play with his peers in the only way that he is used to, reiterates how important joy is to every family. To this I respond with the giving (rather the government taking) of my husband so your husband can be home in order for your family to experience the joy of actually having a family.

Life is full of people taking up moments, but how many of those moments are taken in? I am asking a favor of you: please take in the moments that sometimes are taken from others. Families are giving their husbands and fathers for your opportunity to experience life.

Love Love

Never Alone

After a short absence from blogging and countless movies having watched, I am back on the wagon of writing. I have had a infinitesimal sabbatical from school, I begin my very final class, Business Ethics, on Monday. Not really looking forward to it, but it will be over and I’ll be bored again in eight weeks. Unless, of course, I find a job. Another of my latest hobbies, that and taking Shooter to the vet clinic. Oh, I don’t know, don’t ask. He has some sort of incurable disease where he will be on antibiotics and probiotics for the entirety of his life. Poor little guy...poor puppy’s mama. Yes, that was me just feeling sorry for myself.

Speaking of dogs, Jim is doing rather well. Not suggesting he is a dog, but that lately he has been able to work with a dog named Cindy. He has come to rather adore her and mentions how well trained she is to sit, stay, lay down, etc. Jim was telling me how unruly Shooter seems and well, I told him that maybe if he were home that Shooter would show him how disciplined with his stately form! As he has no choice of when he’ll return, hopefully it lays about eighty days out. Finally we are out of the triple digit days.

In addition to hanging with Cindy and her trainer, the past couple of weeks he has also been training the Afghanistan army while attending midnight meetings. The meetings he despises, but is able to find remaining time to workout. It has been such a treat for me when we chat because he has photo-shared with me pictures so I have been able to see a bit more of him. Usually when he calls via the computer, it is dark in his tent so I cannot see him. Our connection has also been awful in his new location so it has been a bit frustrating at times. Funny thing, sometimes he shines a light by his face so I can see his shadow and it looks very similar to the new 3D sonograms.

This deployment has been quite the adjustment for us. At night, as tears roll down my cheeks I often feel his side of the bed just willing him to be there. I obviously know it wouldn’t happen, but it is somewhat comforting to know he used to lay there. There are other times where I lay awake only thinking the worst and try to make sense of what I would do or even who I would have to become without him. These are not normal feelings of a civilian wife. Sometimes I wonder what a life as a civilian wife would mean. Being able to see my husband on a daily basis while having the ability to have a career seems idyllic. Another trouble area within my life right now, a career.

Facing the reality of no career right now has been difficult. As we are hoping to move around June or July of ’11 it seems as though I am only looking for part-time due to Shooter being sick and finale of school, I am so lost as to what I should be doing with my life. There are several things I have been trained to do, but will I ever be able to do them to my full potential? Climbing up the corporate ladder? These answers are simple, no. Not while we are in the military; however, I can do anything and everything everyday to my full potential and work a part-time with the ability to come home and clean and cook for my spouse who has spent all day training to kill.

These things are plaguing me lately, as well as many others. Though I could think up solutions all day long, I feel that God has me exactly where I should be. I pray for a discerning heart, to understand why things happen and understanding (or any piece) of what we go through apart from the civilian life. I ask Him to aid me in fully committing my heart to him just as King Solomon wishes of himself in 1 Kings. I praise Him for the opportunities that I do have communication to my husband because it lets me know he is still alive. I praise Him for watching over me and taking care of me while Jim cannot be here. I praise Him for the life He has provided Jim and I with as even though we are separated, we still find ways to comfort each other.

Everyday I seek His guidance as I do not know where I or Jim would be without it right now. Whatever happens happens and only our sweet Jesus knows why, proving the reason for my trust. I praise Him for this too. Life is a journey and it is our choice to find joy in every moment even when we are at our all-time low. Things have been extremely difficult and I have never felt more lonely in my life but, we must always remember that no matter how lonely we feel, we are never alone.

These thoughts may seem jumbled but that's exactly what my life is like right now.

LOVELOVE