Day One: Feeling much like the plague with a stomach bug, a cold, having the inevitable deployment complete with sobby goodbye's, I am beyond exhausted. I did complete my lone mission today, homework. Just short of a weeks worth of homework, done today. Needless to say, it has kept my mine occupied except for the occassional daydream for the promise of tomorrow; only 179 days away and he comes home for fifteen days, only to rest up, then leave for another 180 days.
As many of you are not military, it seems impossible for me to effectively communicate with you as you have no idea what its like. Now, I'm not saying I know exactly because I'm not in Afghanistan, but I am married to U.S. Army Ranger. For a man to give freely of his life, family, and home, to serve to ensure safety of you, United States citizens. What a weight upon the shoulders of a twenty-two year old. I do have to say, I couldn't handle it. Not even the 50 pound assault pack, let alone, the 150 pound ruck sack, not counting the numerous magazines for his rifle. Oh, and his rifle. How is it though, that we manage? I'll tell you; it is a day to day remind-myself-to-breathe feeling. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those wives that gushes about America not being fair to soldiers and not paying them enough or a wife who jumps on the military soapbox. That's just not me...but for a wife of a soldier deployed, it's different.
It's like he's just out of reach. You wish you could carry his pack, or help him shave, or wake up early so he doesn't have to. It is a helpless feeling. Everyday that I've shared with Jim has been a learning experience for me. He is right though, I'll never understand. He does often have to stop and explain why. Why things are the way they are, but he does take the time. Just like I will take the time to write, and to assure my soldier how much I care and how much I will try to understand no matter how long it takes, even if it never happens.
You see, then, we (wives)are not so different here. No, we all try and try, we do what wives do, we support, and love, and dream, and do everything else to keep a man happy...but here we can, at least, help. If we cannot understand, we can help. Here, I cannot. So, I am left to faith. I pray that God gives me the strength the help Jim where I can help, and to understand when I can understand, and to love always. Through whatever happens, I will always have love. I will always have God's love, Jim's love, and my family's love.
Often, a person wonders why God puts us where we are. I am now wondering. I look at my life, everything we've already accomplished. I wonder why God chose Jim and I to be married; why God chose Jim for the military; why God blesses us so tremendously when we do not deserve it. It always comes back to the message from God; love, the real love. The love that bears all things. Love Love
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