My Five Senses of You

When I smell your pillow; it still smells like you.
When I see your face; I can see your feelings in your eyes.
When I hear your voice; I hear the faith, hope and love in your tone.
When I taste the sweet tears on my cheeks; I taste the memories of you and me.
When I walk the dog; I see you walking right beside me.
When I wear your white t-shirts; they comfort me like you do.
When I find your socks in my dresser drawer; I find that you are still around.
When I feel alone; I feel your hand in mine, your arms around me, and your warmth by my side.

When I wake up in the morning, I see your face smiling back at me. I roll over, and see the dog’s face. I sit up and see the kitty’s face. When I wake up, I see our family; the family that we’ve started, the family that I’ll always be a part of; you’ll always be apart of.

When I think of you during the day, I know you are thinking of me at that exact moment too and somehow, we’re closer than ever before.

When I talk to you every evening, I hear you talking right back to me. I hear your encouraging words, telling me everything that you need to hear too. I listen to your tone, detecting no fear, only a steady whisper. I long for your lips against my ear, telling me your right here.

The love that grew so strongly before has never been stronger than now. The hope that existed so strongly before has never existed stronger and the faith that lived so strongly before has never lived stronger than now.
Our lives are intertwined forever, as our hearts are also.
LOVELOVE

UGH

Just for those who don't understand what my blog is about - I want to clarify that I'm not trying to make people feel sympathetic towards my family or belittle their own struggles but to voice my own because I know some people feel the exact same way and need someone or something to connect to. I just like to write and now I feel as if I shouldn't because I might hurt someones feelings, which is totally not my point. There are many military families out there and it's not that I think my struggles are bigger than theirs because they are going through the exact same thing. Some issues are bigger than others but, I am just able to whine publicly about mine. Some people should try it.

Everyone chooses their own path in life and I chose mine. Or I like to think that God chose it for me. He knew I was strong enough to handle this and I am, for the most part. Most of my encouragement comes from Him, but also from my family. Some of my family members are on Facebook or in the Blogger world so I thought this would be an efficient way to relay my immediate feelings so they might know what I'm going through a bit more.

I certainly do not regret this lifestyle. I actually love it. Now, again, do not get me wrong. I do NOT love my husband being gone, nor do I even like it in an ounce, but it is the way things are. Life is not easy in the military, but Jim and I feel as if we belong in it. We both feel that we are able to handle these struggles with the strength of God and with our marriage. We do struggle with life, in general, and we survive.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, everyone chooses. We chose. You all chose. This is just my way of sharing our choice and our life with all of you.

If you do not want to read my blog or find it offensive, then don't. I just want to be encouraging on the days I feel like being encouraging and I want to be depressed on days I feel like being depressed. So please understand, this is me, and I am allowed to have good days and bad, just like everyone else.

LOVELOVE

Maybe

Today wasn’t a very successful day. I’m hoping to not have a lot of these. It was one that just went swirling down the toilet even before it started. I just feel like nothing is going to make my day better. No matter what I do or who tries to help. It’s just gonna stink. Well, that’s how it went. All day I just couldn’t get going. I got the floors vacuumed, dishes done, and a couple loads of laundry through the wash. I just felt…objective…if that’s even a feeling.

Haven’t talked to Jim in a about a week and I have to say it is wearing on me. I mean, I totally expected it but it is really wearing on me. I just feel like a part of me isn’t complete with him gone. Definitely like something is missing…well, obviously HE is missing, but something else. I’m not sure if I understand what it is.

Just this feeling. I’m uncomfortable in my own mind. I’m unsettled in my own house. I’m unfit for this adventure. I’m not sure. I’m trying to figure all of this out and I’ve got to say that it’s not easy. Trying to figure it out and not having anyone to talk to about it. It seems so surreal; like I’m living out of my body…but I’m in my body seeing myself live this. Just odd. Like, even if I did have someone around, I wouldn’t know how or even what to say to them.

With my Mom being so great, I know she’s always on the other end of the phone and she’s so great. She is always helping me; always there for me no matter what happens. It’s just that I don’t have anyone here. With me. To hold me when I can’t take it anymore. Sometimes I feel so alone and other times I feel crowded in an empty room. It’s impossible to live everyday feeling this displaced. Like I belong but I don’t belong. I know I’m not making any sense, but that’s how I’ve been feeling lately. I don’t know what to do. How to act. What to say.

I guess it’s sorta like an uncomfortable silence with someone you really don’t relate to so you have nothing to talk about but you are forced in a small area and now you feel like you have to say something, but you just don’t know what to say so you don’t say anything and you know the other person feels the same way…so it’s like that silence.

Hmm…not really sure what to do. Hopefully tomorrow is better. Maybe I’ll blog daily now because I really hate having so much to write at one time. Maybe that’ll be better. Maybe I’ll start running with my workout routine. Maybe that’ll work. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Suppose I ought to pray. You know, everything in life should start with a prayer. No maybe’s about it.

Waves of Pain

Needless to say, life has been a wreck. Sometimes a good wreck; sometimes a bad wreck. All of this was to be expected of course. With another week having gone by, it is Saturday evening and I’m exhausted. This week has included: Restructuring my front flower bed, taking Sadie to the vet, removing ticks from Shooter, painting my spare bedroom headboard and footboard, killing dandelions and clover (my Japanese tulip trees almost took a dive from that), working out everyday, the monthly mayor’s meeting (I’m a community mayor now) and cleaning my house from top to bottom (well, almost).
So, life has been a wreck. This week a good wreck. Last week, not so good. It comes in waves. Like if you think of the ocean on a good day, nice, large, surfer waves. Then think of an ocean during a tsunami. Yeah, pretty much last week there was a tsunami that took over my mind. It’s like, you can feel when the devil wants to take you under with him. Like it’s starting to swallow you up into the middle of the wave and suck you under. You can’t breath. I found myself reminding myself to breathe last week. My eyes just wanted to stay shut for awhile; not because of exhaustion but because of stress. I just felt like my world was falling apart.
In lue of this, I’ve started writing to Jim. He left out into the field for a month and now we have no contact. And it’s also become a bit more therapeutic.
I was writing to him about this feeling. As you can see I’ve stayed extremely busy with not enough time to realize he’s gone. I was asking him what it was going to be like when I finally did realize it. I’m not sure either. I’m not sure if I will at all. Right now, it’s like I’m in this haze and he’s here with me. Every thing I do every day and every second of every day, it’s like he’s there in the corner of my mind and I can see him with me. I can see his face, no matter what I’m looking at, he’s there too. He’s always around. I guess it is sort of comforting but right now, I’m not so comforted. I’m alone. In this house that I’ve come to call home for the next year, with our dog and our cat. Frankly, I’m scared. I’m scared of what I’m going to have to face alone for the next year. Already two months have gone by, but it so seems like eternity. I think my heart is trying to mend itself by allowing me to see Jim everyday even though he’s not here. It can be miserable sometimes though, my throat constricts and my eyes blur, my heart starts pounding so hard in my chest, the pain is so overwhelming I can’t sit still. The tears come in waves, like tsunami waves. Enough to soak through a whole stinking toilet paper roll and once they start, they don't stop.

Life is not easy, but I’m trying to just make it through right now. I miss you Jim. I want you to come home now. I am trying though. Every day I am trying. Every day is a struggle.

God, Show up and Show off

I thought many of you at home would like to know a little about what the Soldiers are going through. This is what I’ve learned from Jim as well as his commanding officers. We get a monthly update on the conditions the men are going through and how conditions are improving.
When the boys receive orders to deploy, they also receive a packing list. 95% of the packing list is clothing, equipment gear, and boots. The other 5% is the hygiene kit. This kit is made up of all travel-size bottles of toothpaste, toothbrush, bar soap, two towels, and razors. Not much. Even though they do have a “mini-mart” they are only allowed to draw funds once a month from their ATM debit cards. They have limited access to refill these items. Their entertainment is limited to bad movies and a CONNEX( large shipment container) full of footballs, soccer balls, and baseball gear to provide extracurricular activities during the down time that they do have. There resources are minimal for everything.
Things they would like to receive (travel-size):
Toothpaste beef jerkey
Toothbrushes licorice
Unscented shampoo hard candy
Unscented soap or body wash gum
Unscented lotion mixed nuts
Unscented baby wipes/baby powder granola bars
Unscented baby oil dried fruit
Unscented sunscreen drink mixes
Unscented shave gel/cream canned food
Unscented hand sanitizer powered milk
Eye drops
Towels/washcloths
Sheets
Pillows
Movies
Deck of cards

I know all of these would be greatly appreciated and every little bit helps. I listed all of these for ideas of stuff I’ve been sending and it can get expensive so please do not feel obligated to buy all of these items; again, these were just ideas. Please keep in mind…no pork products because it is of disrespect to the Afghanistan culture. I know they would enjoy snacks to pack for their patrols and for when they are “out of the wire”. As they have already had casualties, morale is sinking quickly. Any boost would be appreciated and welcomed.
Some locations in Afghanistan the Soldiers are living in the CONNEX’s that contained their equipment during shipment. Little air conditioning and heating is provided while communication is also still lacking greatly. These Soldiers are trained to adapt and conform to their surroundings however, they are fighting for our safety and some are dying for our safety. They greatly appreciate any care packages and are thankful for the thoughts and prayers during Operation Enduring Freedom. Your appreciation may never be vocalized but it will always be felt in their hearts. May we extend the helping hand of God to all who need Him. As there is only one Chaplain per battalion and our men are separated by miles, it is very difficult to have him everywhere so many go weeks without the encouragement of Jesus Christ.

This is a brief of the letter us spouses receive as an update of our Soldiers from the Lieutenant Colonel of our Battalion.

We have found each of the forward locations presents its own unique problem sets that we continue to strive to improve. Up in Dragon Company’s area of operations, we have struggled with communications and weather. It has improved since our arrival and the company continues to do great things for the populace and all the surrounding areas. In Bulldog Company’s area of operations, communications back to Ft. Campbell has been the biggest issue. We are daily working through getting them the right equipment to facilitate communications with family. In the short term, we are pushing Iridium phones to provide a short term solution to enabling point to point communications with family. In Abu Company’s area, the unit is pretty well established throughout the area of operations. The one area we are working to improve is where 1st platoon (Jim’s platoon) is located. Living conditions are a little behind but the Soldiers have greatly improved the area since our arrival. HHC elements, Battalion Headquarters and the majority of the Forward Support Company, is established and working very well. Crusher Company is still working under the 3-320 for conduct of operations and are representing the Leader Battalion (Jim’s battalion) in a great manner.
Two of our Soldiers from Crusher Company forces with 3-320th Field Artillery Battalion have made the ultimate sacrifice. This was a shock to all of us – both here and back at Fort Campbell. These great Soldiers from the Leader Battalion will always be a part of our family and always in our thoughts and prayers. I am very proud of the way the Rear Detachment, the FRG and the families of our battalion quickly assisted and supported the families of our fallen Soldiers. I urge all of you to continue to support the families and ensure they understand they are and always will be a part of this great Leader Battalion Family. Afghanistan is real and is a tough environment in all areas – weather, understanding and working with the populace, and a real enemy. I will say our Soldiers were properly prepared and doing amazing things to balance the protection of the populace, enabling the Afghanistan National Security Forces, and combating the enemy. I am extremely proud of how the Soldiers are representing this battalion and we work to improve the situation over here. I know this is not easy and it is tough business. I want to thank all of you for the support you give our Soldiers but also the care and support you give each other back at Ft. Campbell and to the extended families outside the area. As I have said before - your sacrifice is unparalleled and no one outside of our community understands truly what we go through except us. We are in this together and together as one element, we will persevere. All of you (Soldiers, Spouses and families) are in this battalion at this moment in time for a reason – you and your Soldiers represent the best this Nation has to offer.

I hope this gives everyone a sense of what our Soldiers endure on a daily basis. It is our privilege to live in the United States because of these boys. We need to remember that these boys do not do their job for recognition but do it so selflessly. As a nation, many people are so self-involved and take many things for granted, but these boys don’t have time to be that way. They are fighting for us and so that we may live comfortably in our own homes with our families close around. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your support and prayers during this time. If you feel like God is touching you and you want to contribute, you can take any hygiene items to the Cimarron Church of the Nazarene. I hope our hometown church and hometown people will jump at the chance to minister to some men who do not even know Christ.

God, if you are listening, I hope you show up and show off.
LOVELOVE