Maybe

Today wasn’t a very successful day. I’m hoping to not have a lot of these. It was one that just went swirling down the toilet even before it started. I just feel like nothing is going to make my day better. No matter what I do or who tries to help. It’s just gonna stink. Well, that’s how it went. All day I just couldn’t get going. I got the floors vacuumed, dishes done, and a couple loads of laundry through the wash. I just felt…objective…if that’s even a feeling.

Haven’t talked to Jim in a about a week and I have to say it is wearing on me. I mean, I totally expected it but it is really wearing on me. I just feel like a part of me isn’t complete with him gone. Definitely like something is missing…well, obviously HE is missing, but something else. I’m not sure if I understand what it is.

Just this feeling. I’m uncomfortable in my own mind. I’m unsettled in my own house. I’m unfit for this adventure. I’m not sure. I’m trying to figure all of this out and I’ve got to say that it’s not easy. Trying to figure it out and not having anyone to talk to about it. It seems so surreal; like I’m living out of my body…but I’m in my body seeing myself live this. Just odd. Like, even if I did have someone around, I wouldn’t know how or even what to say to them.

With my Mom being so great, I know she’s always on the other end of the phone and she’s so great. She is always helping me; always there for me no matter what happens. It’s just that I don’t have anyone here. With me. To hold me when I can’t take it anymore. Sometimes I feel so alone and other times I feel crowded in an empty room. It’s impossible to live everyday feeling this displaced. Like I belong but I don’t belong. I know I’m not making any sense, but that’s how I’ve been feeling lately. I don’t know what to do. How to act. What to say.

I guess it’s sorta like an uncomfortable silence with someone you really don’t relate to so you have nothing to talk about but you are forced in a small area and now you feel like you have to say something, but you just don’t know what to say so you don’t say anything and you know the other person feels the same way…so it’s like that silence.

Hmm…not really sure what to do. Hopefully tomorrow is better. Maybe I’ll blog daily now because I really hate having so much to write at one time. Maybe that’ll be better. Maybe I’ll start running with my workout routine. Maybe that’ll work. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Suppose I ought to pray. You know, everything in life should start with a prayer. No maybe’s about it.