Coming to the completion of this deployment, I seem to be experiencing several stressors. I lay in bed last night with my mind reeling over such things as homecoming day, finances, re-integration, and so on. I cannot seem to shut my mind off when I am ready for bed. It is like a spool of thread rolling down the stairs and with each bounce, off rolls more string with the stairs and spool never ceasing the decent and unraveling. It feels as if the series of events will never happen and there will always continually be stressors.
I think this stress has aged me beyond my years.
Life has become a series of serious sequences this year. I have not stopped to think of the situation Jim and I have been for the past year. I guess when you have to do something; you don’t think about it, you just do it. You survive and get through in any fashion one is able to survive. People ask me how I’ve been able to handle myself and the animals while being alone all year and I say that God is responsible because He has been the only one who has constantly supported and always paved my way out a depressed state of mind.
Jim and I were talking the other day about what life will be like when he gets home. The conversation consisted of wishing that we could return to the carefree teenagers that we once were; living as if we had our whole lives ahead of us but living for that one day. We thought about the times we had no worry about whether we would ever see one another again or whether we would have to endure another year long deployment.
Life just seems now like it will be a mess of decisions on which the next ten years rests. Our tasks consist of deciding where Jim wants to go with his military career and what my goals consist of now. Deep down, my goal is to start a family and be able to see Jim at least once every three months. I want to be able to be a close family where nothing can separate our hearts. I have discovered that my goals have turned into Jim’s goals. I want now what Jim wants. Now that I have completed my BA, I have no other desires to further schooling however; I’m not sure about what my occupational future holds...which frankly scares the poop out of me (not literally). Life has never been more difficult than now. I have survived a year long deployment down to the eleventh month. Only one more and our decisions await us. Life is changing, rearranging...
LOVELOVE
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