Lately I've been thinking about the big picture. You know, like things other than "OMG my phone is broken" and "I can't wait to get out of this small town" and "LOL".
My mind tends to wonder off in one specific direction. It's like tunnel-mind instead of tunnel-vision. I'll start thinking about one thing and before you know it...tunnel-mind...onto the subject I cannot seem to shake.
Ok, fine, I'll tell you what I've been thinking about but it'll probably bore you out of your own mind.
I keep thinking about the way people are so self-ish. They can't get past the last text message or the last party they attended and can't remember what happened. I'll give you a challenge. I tend to like these ones. I challenge you to live one day without thinking about how you feel or what you want. Because, I'll tell you one thing, when your husband is in Afghanistan fighting for our lives and our freedom, things tend to change.
When he left (almost two months ago), I was still thinking, "How am I going to survive without him? How am I going to be able to take care of the car for a year all by myself? How am I going to be able to keep the house up with minor repairs? How will I handle both animals all by myself?" Well, I think that was my pity party...and now it's over.
All I think about now is, "I wonder how I could survive without my plush mattress and my clean sheets and my fluffy pillow? I wonder how Jim can live with...how many other guys? I wonder what it's like for Jim to have to sit in a room full of other guys while he talks to his wife? I wonder what it's like for Jim to only get an hour of sleep at night only to get up and pull guard duty then on to patrols? I wonder what it's like for Jim to sleep on a hard cot-like bed with a set of sheets and a pillow I sent to him? I wonder what it's like for Jim to not be able to shower everyday or even every other day? I wonder what it's like for Jim to not have stuff to shower with? I wonder what it was like for Jim to pack a backpack ONLY full of stuff to live off of for the next year (granted, I can now send him necessities)? I wonder what it's like for Jim to not have the movies he wants? I wonder what it's like for Jim when he sees me on the computer screen and I'm about four inches tall by four inches wide (OH, wait, I know what that's like because he is only four inches tall and four inches wide, but you get my drift)? I wonder what it's like to not have anything. The worst part of all this is that I know a little bit of what it's like because I get to talk to him. Most of you don't know what it's like to voluntarily give of all of your "fun" belongings and to give of your family so self-less-ly. I know it would be much easier to not know these things and that is just how you all get by everyday. Not knowing what your cousin goes through, not knowing what your friend goes through...Well, guess what, it's not just your cousin or your friend. It is all of these soldiers. Over 30,00 are in Afghanistan. Every single one of them gave up the same things for you. And I'll tell you something else. Every single one of these soldiers would probably do it again.
I wonder how Jim could possibly enjoy this...you know...I could understand camping and maybe even enjoy it...but this? How can these boys do it? Simple. He just does.
One thing I don't wonder why he chose this career. He chose it for himself. He chose it for me. He chose it for his family. He chose it for you. He chose to give of his own freedom of his daily life so he could fight for the United States.
So, please please, be thankful.
LOVELOVE
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
A Different Kind of Weather Front
Lately it's been raining everyday. Before that I'd gotten used to 70 degree weather. Bummer huh? Absolutely, when my favorite season is Spring. Just when things start to green up a bit. After the rain comes....flowers and sunshine and the completion of school. And, dare I say, Jim's homecoming. I simply cannot wait. In attempt to appropriate the showers, I dream of these things all day long. From the time I roll out of the bed in the morning to the time I close my book and tuck myself in. Today was the second day of rain. When I look out the living room windows, the sparkle of the crystal clear rain drops clinging to the chain-link fence lures me out of my dreary thoughts. The thought of the upcoming start of my classes tomorrow or the thought of being alone for another nine months.
Eleven more months to go. Have to say, I happened to think I was sailing through the month with fantastic completion of organizing my storage room, spare room, and my many scrap-booking tools. However, a halt was put on my progress. I fell into a pit of despair and fear. One I have never visited before. All of this journey became immediately foreign with no knowledge of how to put myself together again or survive the continuing months. With a full day of tears mirroring the rainfall outdoors, I longed for his voice. And then it happened. He called...said not to fret nor fear. It annihilates my insides to know the unthinkable is happening all around him of which he cannot speak and he reassures me with the confidence in his steady voice.
As the weekend has crept by, I face this week with sure self-motivation to complete my homework early on so I have the rest of the week to do as I please. I've made plans to transform my spare bedroom, mosaic my patio table, and paint my storm door with rustoleum spray paint because it has begun to rust from the slowly-receding winter weather.
My projects are on hold as they all require fresh sunshine and the outdoor air so as not to run Sadie, Shooter, and I out of the house from fumes.
It seems as if I am more apprehensive about this new quarter of school as I am not sure why. It should be more simple than the last and after this one I'll only have four more classes to complete. I am so looking forward to that. Although, you see, I am a person who plans wwwwaaaaayyyy into the future...by like, five years at a time. I have begun to worry about my job opportunities when I get finished. I am not so sure what kind of position I want to assume. I am a bit puzzled as I feel that what I want to do is not what I've been schooled to do. I worry I will not use the schooling that I've paid for, that I might pursue another aspect of my dreams. However, I still wonder what I will do and what I want to do. Hmmmmm. I do think though that my worries are not as big as Jims.
Lately, (by that I mean, for the last month) I've not known what to talk about with Jim. We've begun discussing our dreams and plans for when he gets back. Where he wants to go and what he wants to accomplish within the military. CAG, Special Forces, Ranger Batallion...and the list continues...however I do know which he would dream of pursuing first. All of these I do support, I'll have you know. Whatever his dreams are, I am right behind him 100%. I do also hope to find a job wherever he goes...So, my next question is....When do we have babies? Hahahaha, I know this may not be on the top of everyones list of things for us to accomplish, but it's got to happen sometime. I just worry about how long we should wait and how to plan around moving about with his dreams and our housing issues for post housing. As I will live in no other place because it provides much room for our animals to romp around inside and outside of the house...Anyhoo...I do think these past few days of rain have made all of these worries become a weather front within my brain. It just seems a bit overwhelming to consider alone...rain rain go away - don't occupy my thoughts for another day.
Eleven more months to go. Have to say, I happened to think I was sailing through the month with fantastic completion of organizing my storage room, spare room, and my many scrap-booking tools. However, a halt was put on my progress. I fell into a pit of despair and fear. One I have never visited before. All of this journey became immediately foreign with no knowledge of how to put myself together again or survive the continuing months. With a full day of tears mirroring the rainfall outdoors, I longed for his voice. And then it happened. He called...said not to fret nor fear. It annihilates my insides to know the unthinkable is happening all around him of which he cannot speak and he reassures me with the confidence in his steady voice.
As the weekend has crept by, I face this week with sure self-motivation to complete my homework early on so I have the rest of the week to do as I please. I've made plans to transform my spare bedroom, mosaic my patio table, and paint my storm door with rustoleum spray paint because it has begun to rust from the slowly-receding winter weather.
My projects are on hold as they all require fresh sunshine and the outdoor air so as not to run Sadie, Shooter, and I out of the house from fumes.
It seems as if I am more apprehensive about this new quarter of school as I am not sure why. It should be more simple than the last and after this one I'll only have four more classes to complete. I am so looking forward to that. Although, you see, I am a person who plans wwwwaaaaayyyy into the future...by like, five years at a time. I have begun to worry about my job opportunities when I get finished. I am not so sure what kind of position I want to assume. I am a bit puzzled as I feel that what I want to do is not what I've been schooled to do. I worry I will not use the schooling that I've paid for, that I might pursue another aspect of my dreams. However, I still wonder what I will do and what I want to do. Hmmmmm. I do think though that my worries are not as big as Jims.
Lately, (by that I mean, for the last month) I've not known what to talk about with Jim. We've begun discussing our dreams and plans for when he gets back. Where he wants to go and what he wants to accomplish within the military. CAG, Special Forces, Ranger Batallion...and the list continues...however I do know which he would dream of pursuing first. All of these I do support, I'll have you know. Whatever his dreams are, I am right behind him 100%. I do also hope to find a job wherever he goes...So, my next question is....When do we have babies? Hahahaha, I know this may not be on the top of everyones list of things for us to accomplish, but it's got to happen sometime. I just worry about how long we should wait and how to plan around moving about with his dreams and our housing issues for post housing. As I will live in no other place because it provides much room for our animals to romp around inside and outside of the house...Anyhoo...I do think these past few days of rain have made all of these worries become a weather front within my brain. It just seems a bit overwhelming to consider alone...rain rain go away - don't occupy my thoughts for another day.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Day Before Yesterday
As much as I'd like to think I was prepared, I wasn't.
It was a beautiful day outside so I hurried through my workout and used it wisely to attack my yard weeds with vengeance. They've seem to take over more than last year...along the backside of my house. Have to say, Shooter liked the taste. Anyways, I won. They were gone within an hour. Afterwards, I walked around the house wondering what else I could do outside, I came up with sitting on the couch for awhile then going back out to wash the car and work on the front flower bed. Then Jim called. He had called me just like usual on the telephone and we chatted our usual chat..."how are you," "I'm good, how are you"...type of conversation. Had I known his next suggestion, I would've spent the whole morning preparing for it. He offered to use the yahoo video chat. WHAT...yes that is what I said. Video chat. After I had just exercised and pulled weeds for two hours...WHAT...I checked the mirror really quick and wouldn't you know it...I looked like a weed. Dirty, sweaty, pale with bright red cheeks...okay...so not a weed, but still not attractive, an eyesore at that.
So, we logged on and started chatting, although, we ran into some communication errors benze he is across the world. He could see and hear me; I could see him however could not hear him. This was going to be interesting. Well, so I talked and talked and talked and he just listened. I did eventually do a "nod your head yes or no" kind of conversation. Humorous to the oblivious onlooker.
Have to mention, in any case, this man would tell me I was beautiful in any situation, and even in this one. He said I looked "as beautiful as ever"...I do wonder how true that was but it was very thoughtful of him to say so. Our conversation was digitalized so at times the picture of him was blurred but I have to divulge, he looked GOOD. Man, do I miss him so.
The other night as I was brushing my teeth, there was a moment that I could see him. The way he would usually move through the house. What he would do...simultaneously walk into the bathroom and we'd both brush our teeth at the same time, then he would check the doors and situate Shooter into bed on the bedroom floor. It was like I could see his shadow moving about. I could hear his conversation from in the living room then as he moved through the house the conversation would follow him. Its like he is here, still. I can still feel him at night on his side of the bed. I can still feel him get up in the morning and move through the house getting ready for work at 4am. I can still feel him wrestle with the dog in the living room as I am making supper in the kitchen. I can still feel him at the dinner table when I am eating my LeanCuisine.
And when I told him of this, he informed me I was just going crazy. Which, quite frankly, I could be. I have to say, I was starting to feel a bit lonely the other day with no school for the week and the thought occurred to me that I was crazy. I was crazy to not want to be alone. For all of the work I was doing in school, all I wanted was to be alone so I could concentrate and now that school was done for right now, I am alone. Well, I got my wish. I am alone.
So now I've got to make wisely of the alone time I have; although it does get really quiet. I can only watch so many movies in one day and read so many books in a week. So, I'm looking for projects. Right now I'm reading two books, blogging, and watching movies. I need to expand my horizons. So I'm going to mosaic my patio table top and continue on my wedding scrapbook (which, I have to say, I'm impressed with). I have taken on these two projects and probably won't finish them for awhile but that is okay.
No matter what projects I start or how many shopping trips I can go on, there is no possible way to get him out of my mind. He will always be around. He will always complete my sentences and know me better than myself. He will always be the one thinking that I am beautiful even when I am not. He will always be the one to encourage me when I am doubtful.
He will always be the one. You will always hold my heart Jim. I love you.
It was a beautiful day outside so I hurried through my workout and used it wisely to attack my yard weeds with vengeance. They've seem to take over more than last year...along the backside of my house. Have to say, Shooter liked the taste. Anyways, I won. They were gone within an hour. Afterwards, I walked around the house wondering what else I could do outside, I came up with sitting on the couch for awhile then going back out to wash the car and work on the front flower bed. Then Jim called. He had called me just like usual on the telephone and we chatted our usual chat..."how are you," "I'm good, how are you"...type of conversation. Had I known his next suggestion, I would've spent the whole morning preparing for it. He offered to use the yahoo video chat. WHAT...yes that is what I said. Video chat. After I had just exercised and pulled weeds for two hours...WHAT...I checked the mirror really quick and wouldn't you know it...I looked like a weed. Dirty, sweaty, pale with bright red cheeks...okay...so not a weed, but still not attractive, an eyesore at that.
So, we logged on and started chatting, although, we ran into some communication errors benze he is across the world. He could see and hear me; I could see him however could not hear him. This was going to be interesting. Well, so I talked and talked and talked and he just listened. I did eventually do a "nod your head yes or no" kind of conversation. Humorous to the oblivious onlooker.
Have to mention, in any case, this man would tell me I was beautiful in any situation, and even in this one. He said I looked "as beautiful as ever"...I do wonder how true that was but it was very thoughtful of him to say so. Our conversation was digitalized so at times the picture of him was blurred but I have to divulge, he looked GOOD. Man, do I miss him so.
The other night as I was brushing my teeth, there was a moment that I could see him. The way he would usually move through the house. What he would do...simultaneously walk into the bathroom and we'd both brush our teeth at the same time, then he would check the doors and situate Shooter into bed on the bedroom floor. It was like I could see his shadow moving about. I could hear his conversation from in the living room then as he moved through the house the conversation would follow him. Its like he is here, still. I can still feel him at night on his side of the bed. I can still feel him get up in the morning and move through the house getting ready for work at 4am. I can still feel him wrestle with the dog in the living room as I am making supper in the kitchen. I can still feel him at the dinner table when I am eating my LeanCuisine.
And when I told him of this, he informed me I was just going crazy. Which, quite frankly, I could be. I have to say, I was starting to feel a bit lonely the other day with no school for the week and the thought occurred to me that I was crazy. I was crazy to not want to be alone. For all of the work I was doing in school, all I wanted was to be alone so I could concentrate and now that school was done for right now, I am alone. Well, I got my wish. I am alone.
So now I've got to make wisely of the alone time I have; although it does get really quiet. I can only watch so many movies in one day and read so many books in a week. So, I'm looking for projects. Right now I'm reading two books, blogging, and watching movies. I need to expand my horizons. So I'm going to mosaic my patio table top and continue on my wedding scrapbook (which, I have to say, I'm impressed with). I have taken on these two projects and probably won't finish them for awhile but that is okay.
No matter what projects I start or how many shopping trips I can go on, there is no possible way to get him out of my mind. He will always be around. He will always complete my sentences and know me better than myself. He will always be the one thinking that I am beautiful even when I am not. He will always be the one to encourage me when I am doubtful.
He will always be the one. You will always hold my heart Jim. I love you.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)