Catching Up: 1

Time has completely flown by with the wind here in SW Kansas. I have been in Kansas for three days now and have done absolutely nothing. Partially due to having the flu and the other part due to catching up on the sleep lost with the fourteen hour drive.

In addition, for the first time in my life I am no longer in school. It's not that I quit school, it's that I've graduated school! I am almost at a complete loss as to what I should do with my time. I have chosen to take this time off to come home and revisit family and refuel before the hubster arrives back home.

I think I should catch you up now that I am an unemployed (by choice) college graduate and have plenty of time on my hands. I decided in order to prevent myself from going completely insane until the day Jim comes home, I needed to come home. I have not been home in exactly one year and four days.

Life: Taken in or Taken up

This afternoon I heard little footsteps playing on the playground out back. I took a step out onto the porch just in time to hear a little boy’s voice say, “Hey guys, I’m your military dad” meaning that he was pretending to be one of the other little child’s fathers. He then scurries up the stairs to the slide and while he heads to the top says, “Bye, bye.”

This little boy has only known the military life where his military daddy always says, “Bye, bye.” A piece of my heart broke in the second that I heard the little boy’s voice. Wondering how on earth I could be in a part of the United States where families currently consist of a mother and her children while the father is deployed. The child is supported and cared for by the mother while the father reads him a storybook through the webcam or is only able to hear his voice through the broken communication line.

This reminds me of a familial moment I secretly observed yesterday. One swing was occupied by a little girl about four years old who was being pushed by her mother and the swing swaying beside hers was heavy with her uniformed father.

Through this little family I saw that joy can be found in the most simple of places with the hope that lies with each passing moment and it completely changed how I perceived the military family with the absence of a father. Some families have to wait an entire year to feel this joy of a father being around. Realizing today that not only is a husband absent but also a father and I am not just speaking of my situation but of many others who are my dear friends here. Yes, the mother is an enormous force that helps operate on robot mode but only to get from today to tomorrow to the next year. The joy that is experienced is very intimate within each whole family as it may not happen very often.

Witnessing this joy of a four year old having her father and mother right beside her is the furthest thing from all for naught. Seeing the little boy play with his peers in the only way that he is used to, reiterates how important joy is to every family. To this I respond with the giving (rather the government taking) of my husband so your husband can be home in order for your family to experience the joy of actually having a family.

Life is full of people taking up moments, but how many of those moments are taken in? I am asking a favor of you: please take in the moments that sometimes are taken from others. Families are giving their husbands and fathers for your opportunity to experience life.

Love Love

Never Alone

After a short absence from blogging and countless movies having watched, I am back on the wagon of writing. I have had a infinitesimal sabbatical from school, I begin my very final class, Business Ethics, on Monday. Not really looking forward to it, but it will be over and I’ll be bored again in eight weeks. Unless, of course, I find a job. Another of my latest hobbies, that and taking Shooter to the vet clinic. Oh, I don’t know, don’t ask. He has some sort of incurable disease where he will be on antibiotics and probiotics for the entirety of his life. Poor little guy...poor puppy’s mama. Yes, that was me just feeling sorry for myself.

Speaking of dogs, Jim is doing rather well. Not suggesting he is a dog, but that lately he has been able to work with a dog named Cindy. He has come to rather adore her and mentions how well trained she is to sit, stay, lay down, etc. Jim was telling me how unruly Shooter seems and well, I told him that maybe if he were home that Shooter would show him how disciplined with his stately form! As he has no choice of when he’ll return, hopefully it lays about eighty days out. Finally we are out of the triple digit days.

In addition to hanging with Cindy and her trainer, the past couple of weeks he has also been training the Afghanistan army while attending midnight meetings. The meetings he despises, but is able to find remaining time to workout. It has been such a treat for me when we chat because he has photo-shared with me pictures so I have been able to see a bit more of him. Usually when he calls via the computer, it is dark in his tent so I cannot see him. Our connection has also been awful in his new location so it has been a bit frustrating at times. Funny thing, sometimes he shines a light by his face so I can see his shadow and it looks very similar to the new 3D sonograms.

This deployment has been quite the adjustment for us. At night, as tears roll down my cheeks I often feel his side of the bed just willing him to be there. I obviously know it wouldn’t happen, but it is somewhat comforting to know he used to lay there. There are other times where I lay awake only thinking the worst and try to make sense of what I would do or even who I would have to become without him. These are not normal feelings of a civilian wife. Sometimes I wonder what a life as a civilian wife would mean. Being able to see my husband on a daily basis while having the ability to have a career seems idyllic. Another trouble area within my life right now, a career.

Facing the reality of no career right now has been difficult. As we are hoping to move around June or July of ’11 it seems as though I am only looking for part-time due to Shooter being sick and finale of school, I am so lost as to what I should be doing with my life. There are several things I have been trained to do, but will I ever be able to do them to my full potential? Climbing up the corporate ladder? These answers are simple, no. Not while we are in the military; however, I can do anything and everything everyday to my full potential and work a part-time with the ability to come home and clean and cook for my spouse who has spent all day training to kill.

These things are plaguing me lately, as well as many others. Though I could think up solutions all day long, I feel that God has me exactly where I should be. I pray for a discerning heart, to understand why things happen and understanding (or any piece) of what we go through apart from the civilian life. I ask Him to aid me in fully committing my heart to him just as King Solomon wishes of himself in 1 Kings. I praise Him for the opportunities that I do have communication to my husband because it lets me know he is still alive. I praise Him for watching over me and taking care of me while Jim cannot be here. I praise Him for the life He has provided Jim and I with as even though we are separated, we still find ways to comfort each other.

Everyday I seek His guidance as I do not know where I or Jim would be without it right now. Whatever happens happens and only our sweet Jesus knows why, proving the reason for my trust. I praise Him for this too. Life is a journey and it is our choice to find joy in every moment even when we are at our all-time low. Things have been extremely difficult and I have never felt more lonely in my life but, we must always remember that no matter how lonely we feel, we are never alone.

These thoughts may seem jumbled but that's exactly what my life is like right now.

LOVELOVE

Day 1:

After the entirely-too-long drive home from the airport, Jim and I planned the reunion of him and the dog. We decided to reunite them in the backyard after remembering how puppies get the squirts when they’re excited. As I ran in to let Shooter out into the backyard, Jim hid behind the trash can. Shooter immediately knew something was up because he shot out the door to the side gate. Normally if he knew someone was out there, he would start barking like mad and threaten to take their leg off, but he knew. He just knew. Jim came out from behind the trash can and there it was again; the familiar wag of our puppy’s tail and the shake of his hiney. He was back. Our puppy was happy again.

Seeing them kiss each other was the best thing in the whole world. I started gushing inside. It was priceless. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, well, check the pic above.

They were adorable. My two boys were so happy. They played and played. I do honestly think Shooter is catching up on his sleep still. They rolled around in the yard and after the two sweaty boys came in, nap time was on the schedule. The next fifteen days went by entirely too fast for these two. Day after day, up on the bed before we woke and in between us at night. These two were inseparable. Every time I would look out into the backyard to see them playing, it would break my heart. It is impossible to know the bond between these two.

There is a special bond between a dog and his owner. Jim and Shooter have a different kind of bond then Shooter and I have together. Jim and Shooter are always so jumpy and playful. They never run out of energy for each other...and Shooter and I sort of have this understanding. We love each other to pieces, but we do not kiss on the mouth. As you see in this picture, they do! J

But really, can you say you are this attached to your dog? There was no doubt in my mind that Shooter would have forgotten who Jim was since he had been gone for six months. After seeing this reunion, I believe that dogs never forget the people who really care for them. We got Shooter when he was about four months old. He was little, yes, but I think God sort of starts their memory over again when they are happy. He lets them remember the good after the bad and then the good begins to take the place of the bad. I couldn’t imagine Shooter in a more loving atmosphere than ours. He has not only made a place in our hearts but we have made a place in his. He will never forget the way Jim plays nor will he ever forget the way he cuddles with me.

What I would do for these two; melded into my heart forever.

Day 1/2:

I didn’t expect the call to come while I was in the shower. The weeks of preparation for what I would wear, how I would do my hair, make-up, and especially the need to shave my legs were completely and utterly pointless. The call went like this:

“Honey, I will be landing in Nashville in about thirty minutes. Talk to you soon!”

My answer, "Holy Crap, I'm in the shower! Meet me at baggage claim!"

Well, if you live around here, you know that it takes about fifty minutes to get from post to the Nashville airport. I only had one leg shaved and conditioner in my hair as I heard his words on the other end of the phone. I threw on the closest available clothes (a very unattractive pair of spandex capris and Old Navy graphic tee). After the initial shock...wait, I never came out of shock. You know how I know? I made it to the airport in about thirty minutes. That has got to be a record for me. I am the grandma-type driver (no offense to grandma).

Racing through the parking garage that felt somewhat like a rollercoaster in my stomach after the rush of travel and now the swirling vortex of doom (only it went up instead of down). I parked the car at the nearest spot I could find and jumped out, and literally sprinted down to Delta baggage claim.

NO JIM. Where could he be? Finding the nearest man in ACU’s I frantically asked him if he was on the flight with another tall, dark-haired man with BUTCHER on his ACU name tag. As the polite soldier tried to calm me down by saying he thought so but wasn’t sure, it only made things worse. I TOLD JIM TO MEET ME AT BAGGAGE CLAIM. He was no where to be seen! Just leave it to us. Get lost in the airport and take a day to look for each other. That would be us.

Another few seconds go by...I scan the arrivals pick up area and my eyes stop on another man in ACU’s. Hushing the man in front of me, I ran towards that lone soldier and when our eyes met, I knew. He was mine.

There is no other feeling in the world than a loving man’s arms around you. With tears streaming down my face, exhausted from the run, and breathless from the sight of my husband, I could no longer hold the emotions of the six month absence in my body.

The sight of him...Oh how I cannot describe it. Words are no longer effective for love. My heart beats with a steady pulse for his next homecoming. Waiting to rush into his arms again; how I do miss him already again.

Area Happenings

May 13th, Mom took the easy southern flight down to visit. It was great. We took in the quilt museum in Paducah, spent way too much in Khols (shhhh, don’t tell Jim), and finished up projects I never knew I had! We crossed the Tennessee River, Ohio River, and the Cumberland River while driving 90mph on the interstate (my first time)! We had time to catch up on the latest happenings in our lives over ice cream in an ancient ice cream parlor in Paducah and walked along the boardwalk. We ventured into several antique stores downtown and found nothing but a cookbook….and…a stench we carried with us the whole way home! There sure is something about the smell of antique shops. Mom hated the smell, but for some reason I welcomed it. It certainly brought back a flood of memories from my past. Our trip was great; however, we knew it would come to an end. On May 20th, Mom flew out on an 11:30 flight. I was miserable.
Lets not forget I held in my tears until I hit the interstate. Then the flood washed over me. No, I’m not talking about the tears just yet, I’m talking literally about a flood. I came into a HUGE thunderstorm right as I merged onto I-24 W to Clarksville. Might I add, this was my first time driving on the interstate…ALONE. Yep, I balled my eyes out the whole way home. I drove about 45mph in the downpour that was so bad I had to have my flashers on and eyes glued to the windshield. Now, mind you, I could not see when it started pouring on the outside of the car, so it did not help I had a flood on the inside too. I called Mom and she talked me through my tears, inside and out. Only by the grace of God did I make it home. You may think that to be an exaggeration, but it’s not. The thunder roared and lighting lit up the sky. There had to have been about three inches of rain on the road in some places. When I finally got home, I looked like a wreck, felt like a wreck, and acted like a wreck. I moped all afternoon and into the night. Mom did make it home safely and on time despite the weather.
On to the next day…I moped around even worse. I balled and balled. I was alone. Again. All day I sat on my duff in front of the television watching movies I’d seen million times before only this time I was paying way more attention to them. The animals and I sat…on the couch…all day.
As for today, I did get out of the house with a friend. Did a bit of shopping, a bit of exercise and attempting to get back to “normal” whatever that is. I am hoping tomorrow I will re-emerge as a new HAPPY person. Mom did mention I was a bit more negative nowadays…can you blame me? The whole trip I kept telling her I am just a realist and she kept telling me to “BE HAPPY”. How can I be happy when I’m completely and entirely alone? My husband, best friend and confidant, is gone. He is in a war zone and here I am forced to act as if everything is okay…Well, not right now. I do miss him more than ever. And now, I miss my Mommy too. I miss my whole family more than I ever thought possible.
So, tomorrow is a new day to make a difference in myself. I think I’ll start my day with God. Only He knows exactly what I’m going through and exactly what I need. I need Him.

I’ll let you know how it goes…LOVE LOVE

My Five Senses of You

When I smell your pillow; it still smells like you.
When I see your face; I can see your feelings in your eyes.
When I hear your voice; I hear the faith, hope and love in your tone.
When I taste the sweet tears on my cheeks; I taste the memories of you and me.
When I walk the dog; I see you walking right beside me.
When I wear your white t-shirts; they comfort me like you do.
When I find your socks in my dresser drawer; I find that you are still around.
When I feel alone; I feel your hand in mine, your arms around me, and your warmth by my side.

When I wake up in the morning, I see your face smiling back at me. I roll over, and see the dog’s face. I sit up and see the kitty’s face. When I wake up, I see our family; the family that we’ve started, the family that I’ll always be a part of; you’ll always be apart of.

When I think of you during the day, I know you are thinking of me at that exact moment too and somehow, we’re closer than ever before.

When I talk to you every evening, I hear you talking right back to me. I hear your encouraging words, telling me everything that you need to hear too. I listen to your tone, detecting no fear, only a steady whisper. I long for your lips against my ear, telling me your right here.

The love that grew so strongly before has never been stronger than now. The hope that existed so strongly before has never existed stronger and the faith that lived so strongly before has never lived stronger than now.
Our lives are intertwined forever, as our hearts are also.
LOVELOVE

UGH

Just for those who don't understand what my blog is about - I want to clarify that I'm not trying to make people feel sympathetic towards my family or belittle their own struggles but to voice my own because I know some people feel the exact same way and need someone or something to connect to. I just like to write and now I feel as if I shouldn't because I might hurt someones feelings, which is totally not my point. There are many military families out there and it's not that I think my struggles are bigger than theirs because they are going through the exact same thing. Some issues are bigger than others but, I am just able to whine publicly about mine. Some people should try it.

Everyone chooses their own path in life and I chose mine. Or I like to think that God chose it for me. He knew I was strong enough to handle this and I am, for the most part. Most of my encouragement comes from Him, but also from my family. Some of my family members are on Facebook or in the Blogger world so I thought this would be an efficient way to relay my immediate feelings so they might know what I'm going through a bit more.

I certainly do not regret this lifestyle. I actually love it. Now, again, do not get me wrong. I do NOT love my husband being gone, nor do I even like it in an ounce, but it is the way things are. Life is not easy in the military, but Jim and I feel as if we belong in it. We both feel that we are able to handle these struggles with the strength of God and with our marriage. We do struggle with life, in general, and we survive.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, everyone chooses. We chose. You all chose. This is just my way of sharing our choice and our life with all of you.

If you do not want to read my blog or find it offensive, then don't. I just want to be encouraging on the days I feel like being encouraging and I want to be depressed on days I feel like being depressed. So please understand, this is me, and I am allowed to have good days and bad, just like everyone else.

LOVELOVE

Maybe

Today wasn’t a very successful day. I’m hoping to not have a lot of these. It was one that just went swirling down the toilet even before it started. I just feel like nothing is going to make my day better. No matter what I do or who tries to help. It’s just gonna stink. Well, that’s how it went. All day I just couldn’t get going. I got the floors vacuumed, dishes done, and a couple loads of laundry through the wash. I just felt…objective…if that’s even a feeling.

Haven’t talked to Jim in a about a week and I have to say it is wearing on me. I mean, I totally expected it but it is really wearing on me. I just feel like a part of me isn’t complete with him gone. Definitely like something is missing…well, obviously HE is missing, but something else. I’m not sure if I understand what it is.

Just this feeling. I’m uncomfortable in my own mind. I’m unsettled in my own house. I’m unfit for this adventure. I’m not sure. I’m trying to figure all of this out and I’ve got to say that it’s not easy. Trying to figure it out and not having anyone to talk to about it. It seems so surreal; like I’m living out of my body…but I’m in my body seeing myself live this. Just odd. Like, even if I did have someone around, I wouldn’t know how or even what to say to them.

With my Mom being so great, I know she’s always on the other end of the phone and she’s so great. She is always helping me; always there for me no matter what happens. It’s just that I don’t have anyone here. With me. To hold me when I can’t take it anymore. Sometimes I feel so alone and other times I feel crowded in an empty room. It’s impossible to live everyday feeling this displaced. Like I belong but I don’t belong. I know I’m not making any sense, but that’s how I’ve been feeling lately. I don’t know what to do. How to act. What to say.

I guess it’s sorta like an uncomfortable silence with someone you really don’t relate to so you have nothing to talk about but you are forced in a small area and now you feel like you have to say something, but you just don’t know what to say so you don’t say anything and you know the other person feels the same way…so it’s like that silence.

Hmm…not really sure what to do. Hopefully tomorrow is better. Maybe I’ll blog daily now because I really hate having so much to write at one time. Maybe that’ll be better. Maybe I’ll start running with my workout routine. Maybe that’ll work. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Suppose I ought to pray. You know, everything in life should start with a prayer. No maybe’s about it.

Waves of Pain

Needless to say, life has been a wreck. Sometimes a good wreck; sometimes a bad wreck. All of this was to be expected of course. With another week having gone by, it is Saturday evening and I’m exhausted. This week has included: Restructuring my front flower bed, taking Sadie to the vet, removing ticks from Shooter, painting my spare bedroom headboard and footboard, killing dandelions and clover (my Japanese tulip trees almost took a dive from that), working out everyday, the monthly mayor’s meeting (I’m a community mayor now) and cleaning my house from top to bottom (well, almost).
So, life has been a wreck. This week a good wreck. Last week, not so good. It comes in waves. Like if you think of the ocean on a good day, nice, large, surfer waves. Then think of an ocean during a tsunami. Yeah, pretty much last week there was a tsunami that took over my mind. It’s like, you can feel when the devil wants to take you under with him. Like it’s starting to swallow you up into the middle of the wave and suck you under. You can’t breath. I found myself reminding myself to breathe last week. My eyes just wanted to stay shut for awhile; not because of exhaustion but because of stress. I just felt like my world was falling apart.
In lue of this, I’ve started writing to Jim. He left out into the field for a month and now we have no contact. And it’s also become a bit more therapeutic.
I was writing to him about this feeling. As you can see I’ve stayed extremely busy with not enough time to realize he’s gone. I was asking him what it was going to be like when I finally did realize it. I’m not sure either. I’m not sure if I will at all. Right now, it’s like I’m in this haze and he’s here with me. Every thing I do every day and every second of every day, it’s like he’s there in the corner of my mind and I can see him with me. I can see his face, no matter what I’m looking at, he’s there too. He’s always around. I guess it is sort of comforting but right now, I’m not so comforted. I’m alone. In this house that I’ve come to call home for the next year, with our dog and our cat. Frankly, I’m scared. I’m scared of what I’m going to have to face alone for the next year. Already two months have gone by, but it so seems like eternity. I think my heart is trying to mend itself by allowing me to see Jim everyday even though he’s not here. It can be miserable sometimes though, my throat constricts and my eyes blur, my heart starts pounding so hard in my chest, the pain is so overwhelming I can’t sit still. The tears come in waves, like tsunami waves. Enough to soak through a whole stinking toilet paper roll and once they start, they don't stop.

Life is not easy, but I’m trying to just make it through right now. I miss you Jim. I want you to come home now. I am trying though. Every day I am trying. Every day is a struggle.

God, Show up and Show off

I thought many of you at home would like to know a little about what the Soldiers are going through. This is what I’ve learned from Jim as well as his commanding officers. We get a monthly update on the conditions the men are going through and how conditions are improving.
When the boys receive orders to deploy, they also receive a packing list. 95% of the packing list is clothing, equipment gear, and boots. The other 5% is the hygiene kit. This kit is made up of all travel-size bottles of toothpaste, toothbrush, bar soap, two towels, and razors. Not much. Even though they do have a “mini-mart” they are only allowed to draw funds once a month from their ATM debit cards. They have limited access to refill these items. Their entertainment is limited to bad movies and a CONNEX( large shipment container) full of footballs, soccer balls, and baseball gear to provide extracurricular activities during the down time that they do have. There resources are minimal for everything.
Things they would like to receive (travel-size):
Toothpaste beef jerkey
Toothbrushes licorice
Unscented shampoo hard candy
Unscented soap or body wash gum
Unscented lotion mixed nuts
Unscented baby wipes/baby powder granola bars
Unscented baby oil dried fruit
Unscented sunscreen drink mixes
Unscented shave gel/cream canned food
Unscented hand sanitizer powered milk
Eye drops
Towels/washcloths
Sheets
Pillows
Movies
Deck of cards

I know all of these would be greatly appreciated and every little bit helps. I listed all of these for ideas of stuff I’ve been sending and it can get expensive so please do not feel obligated to buy all of these items; again, these were just ideas. Please keep in mind…no pork products because it is of disrespect to the Afghanistan culture. I know they would enjoy snacks to pack for their patrols and for when they are “out of the wire”. As they have already had casualties, morale is sinking quickly. Any boost would be appreciated and welcomed.
Some locations in Afghanistan the Soldiers are living in the CONNEX’s that contained their equipment during shipment. Little air conditioning and heating is provided while communication is also still lacking greatly. These Soldiers are trained to adapt and conform to their surroundings however, they are fighting for our safety and some are dying for our safety. They greatly appreciate any care packages and are thankful for the thoughts and prayers during Operation Enduring Freedom. Your appreciation may never be vocalized but it will always be felt in their hearts. May we extend the helping hand of God to all who need Him. As there is only one Chaplain per battalion and our men are separated by miles, it is very difficult to have him everywhere so many go weeks without the encouragement of Jesus Christ.

This is a brief of the letter us spouses receive as an update of our Soldiers from the Lieutenant Colonel of our Battalion.

We have found each of the forward locations presents its own unique problem sets that we continue to strive to improve. Up in Dragon Company’s area of operations, we have struggled with communications and weather. It has improved since our arrival and the company continues to do great things for the populace and all the surrounding areas. In Bulldog Company’s area of operations, communications back to Ft. Campbell has been the biggest issue. We are daily working through getting them the right equipment to facilitate communications with family. In the short term, we are pushing Iridium phones to provide a short term solution to enabling point to point communications with family. In Abu Company’s area, the unit is pretty well established throughout the area of operations. The one area we are working to improve is where 1st platoon (Jim’s platoon) is located. Living conditions are a little behind but the Soldiers have greatly improved the area since our arrival. HHC elements, Battalion Headquarters and the majority of the Forward Support Company, is established and working very well. Crusher Company is still working under the 3-320 for conduct of operations and are representing the Leader Battalion (Jim’s battalion) in a great manner.
Two of our Soldiers from Crusher Company forces with 3-320th Field Artillery Battalion have made the ultimate sacrifice. This was a shock to all of us – both here and back at Fort Campbell. These great Soldiers from the Leader Battalion will always be a part of our family and always in our thoughts and prayers. I am very proud of the way the Rear Detachment, the FRG and the families of our battalion quickly assisted and supported the families of our fallen Soldiers. I urge all of you to continue to support the families and ensure they understand they are and always will be a part of this great Leader Battalion Family. Afghanistan is real and is a tough environment in all areas – weather, understanding and working with the populace, and a real enemy. I will say our Soldiers were properly prepared and doing amazing things to balance the protection of the populace, enabling the Afghanistan National Security Forces, and combating the enemy. I am extremely proud of how the Soldiers are representing this battalion and we work to improve the situation over here. I know this is not easy and it is tough business. I want to thank all of you for the support you give our Soldiers but also the care and support you give each other back at Ft. Campbell and to the extended families outside the area. As I have said before - your sacrifice is unparalleled and no one outside of our community understands truly what we go through except us. We are in this together and together as one element, we will persevere. All of you (Soldiers, Spouses and families) are in this battalion at this moment in time for a reason – you and your Soldiers represent the best this Nation has to offer.

I hope this gives everyone a sense of what our Soldiers endure on a daily basis. It is our privilege to live in the United States because of these boys. We need to remember that these boys do not do their job for recognition but do it so selflessly. As a nation, many people are so self-involved and take many things for granted, but these boys don’t have time to be that way. They are fighting for us and so that we may live comfortably in our own homes with our families close around. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your support and prayers during this time. If you feel like God is touching you and you want to contribute, you can take any hygiene items to the Cimarron Church of the Nazarene. I hope our hometown church and hometown people will jump at the chance to minister to some men who do not even know Christ.

God, if you are listening, I hope you show up and show off.
LOVELOVE

Tunnel-mind

Lately I've been thinking about the big picture. You know, like things other than "OMG my phone is broken" and "I can't wait to get out of this small town" and "LOL".

My mind tends to wonder off in one specific direction. It's like tunnel-mind instead of tunnel-vision. I'll start thinking about one thing and before you know it...tunnel-mind...onto the subject I cannot seem to shake.

Ok, fine, I'll tell you what I've been thinking about but it'll probably bore you out of your own mind.

I keep thinking about the way people are so self-ish. They can't get past the last text message or the last party they attended and can't remember what happened. I'll give you a challenge. I tend to like these ones. I challenge you to live one day without thinking about how you feel or what you want. Because, I'll tell you one thing, when your husband is in Afghanistan fighting for our lives and our freedom, things tend to change.

When he left (almost two months ago), I was still thinking, "How am I going to survive without him? How am I going to be able to take care of the car for a year all by myself? How am I going to be able to keep the house up with minor repairs? How will I handle both animals all by myself?" Well, I think that was my pity party...and now it's over.

All I think about now is, "I wonder how I could survive without my plush mattress and my clean sheets and my fluffy pillow? I wonder how Jim can live with...how many other guys? I wonder what it's like for Jim to have to sit in a room full of other guys while he talks to his wife? I wonder what it's like for Jim to only get an hour of sleep at night only to get up and pull guard duty then on to patrols? I wonder what it's like for Jim to sleep on a hard cot-like bed with a set of sheets and a pillow I sent to him? I wonder what it's like for Jim to not be able to shower everyday or even every other day? I wonder what it's like for Jim to not have stuff to shower with? I wonder what it was like for Jim to pack a backpack ONLY full of stuff to live off of for the next year (granted, I can now send him necessities)? I wonder what it's like for Jim to not have the movies he wants? I wonder what it's like for Jim when he sees me on the computer screen and I'm about four inches tall by four inches wide (OH, wait, I know what that's like because he is only four inches tall and four inches wide, but you get my drift)? I wonder what it's like to not have anything. The worst part of all this is that I know a little bit of what it's like because I get to talk to him. Most of you don't know what it's like to voluntarily give of all of your "fun" belongings and to give of your family so self-less-ly. I know it would be much easier to not know these things and that is just how you all get by everyday. Not knowing what your cousin goes through, not knowing what your friend goes through...Well, guess what, it's not just your cousin or your friend. It is all of these soldiers. Over 30,00 are in Afghanistan. Every single one of them gave up the same things for you. And I'll tell you something else. Every single one of these soldiers would probably do it again.

I wonder how Jim could possibly enjoy this...you know...I could understand camping and maybe even enjoy it...but this? How can these boys do it? Simple. He just does.

One thing I don't wonder why he chose this career. He chose it for himself. He chose it for me. He chose it for his family. He chose it for you. He chose to give of his own freedom of his daily life so he could fight for the United States.

So, please please, be thankful.
LOVELOVE

A Different Kind of Weather Front

Lately it's been raining everyday. Before that I'd gotten used to 70 degree weather. Bummer huh? Absolutely, when my favorite season is Spring. Just when things start to green up a bit. After the rain comes....flowers and sunshine and the completion of school. And, dare I say, Jim's homecoming. I simply cannot wait. In attempt to appropriate the showers, I dream of these things all day long. From the time I roll out of the bed in the morning to the time I close my book and tuck myself in. Today was the second day of rain. When I look out the living room windows, the sparkle of the crystal clear rain drops clinging to the chain-link fence lures me out of my dreary thoughts. The thought of the upcoming start of my classes tomorrow or the thought of being alone for another nine months.
Eleven more months to go. Have to say, I happened to think I was sailing through the month with fantastic completion of organizing my storage room, spare room, and my many scrap-booking tools. However, a halt was put on my progress. I fell into a pit of despair and fear. One I have never visited before. All of this journey became immediately foreign with no knowledge of how to put myself together again or survive the continuing months. With a full day of tears mirroring the rainfall outdoors, I longed for his voice. And then it happened. He called...said not to fret nor fear. It annihilates my insides to know the unthinkable is happening all around him of which he cannot speak and he reassures me with the confidence in his steady voice.
As the weekend has crept by, I face this week with sure self-motivation to complete my homework early on so I have the rest of the week to do as I please. I've made plans to transform my spare bedroom, mosaic my patio table, and paint my storm door with rustoleum spray paint because it has begun to rust from the slowly-receding winter weather.
My projects are on hold as they all require fresh sunshine and the outdoor air so as not to run Sadie, Shooter, and I out of the house from fumes.
It seems as if I am more apprehensive about this new quarter of school as I am not sure why. It should be more simple than the last and after this one I'll only have four more classes to complete. I am so looking forward to that. Although, you see, I am a person who plans wwwwaaaaayyyy into the future...by like, five years at a time. I have begun to worry about my job opportunities when I get finished. I am not so sure what kind of position I want to assume. I am a bit puzzled as I feel that what I want to do is not what I've been schooled to do. I worry I will not use the schooling that I've paid for, that I might pursue another aspect of my dreams. However, I still wonder what I will do and what I want to do. Hmmmmm. I do think though that my worries are not as big as Jims.
Lately, (by that I mean, for the last month) I've not known what to talk about with Jim. We've begun discussing our dreams and plans for when he gets back. Where he wants to go and what he wants to accomplish within the military. CAG, Special Forces, Ranger Batallion...and the list continues...however I do know which he would dream of pursuing first. All of these I do support, I'll have you know. Whatever his dreams are, I am right behind him 100%. I do also hope to find a job wherever he goes...So, my next question is....When do we have babies? Hahahaha, I know this may not be on the top of everyones list of things for us to accomplish, but it's got to happen sometime. I just worry about how long we should wait and how to plan around moving about with his dreams and our housing issues for post housing. As I will live in no other place because it provides much room for our animals to romp around inside and outside of the house...Anyhoo...I do think these past few days of rain have made all of these worries become a weather front within my brain. It just seems a bit overwhelming to consider alone...rain rain go away - don't occupy my thoughts for another day.

Day Before Yesterday

As much as I'd like to think I was prepared, I wasn't.

It was a beautiful day outside so I hurried through my workout and used it wisely to attack my yard weeds with vengeance. They've seem to take over more than last year...along the backside of my house. Have to say, Shooter liked the taste. Anyways, I won. They were gone within an hour. Afterwards, I walked around the house wondering what else I could do outside, I came up with sitting on the couch for awhile then going back out to wash the car and work on the front flower bed. Then Jim called. He had called me just like usual on the telephone and we chatted our usual chat..."how are you," "I'm good, how are you"...type of conversation. Had I known his next suggestion, I would've spent the whole morning preparing for it. He offered to use the yahoo video chat. WHAT...yes that is what I said. Video chat. After I had just exercised and pulled weeds for two hours...WHAT...I checked the mirror really quick and wouldn't you know it...I looked like a weed. Dirty, sweaty, pale with bright red cheeks...okay...so not a weed, but still not attractive, an eyesore at that.
So, we logged on and started chatting, although, we ran into some communication errors benze he is across the world. He could see and hear me; I could see him however could not hear him. This was going to be interesting. Well, so I talked and talked and talked and he just listened. I did eventually do a "nod your head yes or no" kind of conversation. Humorous to the oblivious onlooker.

Have to mention, in any case, this man would tell me I was beautiful in any situation, and even in this one. He said I looked "as beautiful as ever"...I do wonder how true that was but it was very thoughtful of him to say so. Our conversation was digitalized so at times the picture of him was blurred but I have to divulge, he looked GOOD. Man, do I miss him so.

The other night as I was brushing my teeth, there was a moment that I could see him. The way he would usually move through the house. What he would do...simultaneously walk into the bathroom and we'd both brush our teeth at the same time, then he would check the doors and situate Shooter into bed on the bedroom floor. It was like I could see his shadow moving about. I could hear his conversation from in the living room then as he moved through the house the conversation would follow him. Its like he is here, still. I can still feel him at night on his side of the bed. I can still feel him get up in the morning and move through the house getting ready for work at 4am. I can still feel him wrestle with the dog in the living room as I am making supper in the kitchen. I can still feel him at the dinner table when I am eating my LeanCuisine.

And when I told him of this, he informed me I was just going crazy. Which, quite frankly, I could be. I have to say, I was starting to feel a bit lonely the other day with no school for the week and the thought occurred to me that I was crazy. I was crazy to not want to be alone. For all of the work I was doing in school, all I wanted was to be alone so I could concentrate and now that school was done for right now, I am alone. Well, I got my wish. I am alone.

So now I've got to make wisely of the alone time I have; although it does get really quiet. I can only watch so many movies in one day and read so many books in a week. So, I'm looking for projects. Right now I'm reading two books, blogging, and watching movies. I need to expand my horizons. So I'm going to mosaic my patio table top and continue on my wedding scrapbook (which, I have to say, I'm impressed with). I have taken on these two projects and probably won't finish them for awhile but that is okay.

No matter what projects I start or how many shopping trips I can go on, there is no possible way to get him out of my mind. He will always be around. He will always complete my sentences and know me better than myself. He will always be the one thinking that I am beautiful even when I am not. He will always be the one to encourage me when I am doubtful.

He will always be the one. You will always hold my heart Jim. I love you.

Love: believes all things

I was just thinking about the sun rising earlier here within this last week. Isn't it beautiful the way God works; the way the seasons change. Winter...Spring...Summer...Fall...and around again. Not, the fact that Shooter and Sadie jump up on the bed and start playing at 6:45am just so I can walk dizzily to the door to let the puppy out to pee...only...he shoots off the porch out to the corner of the yard and starts barking with his whole voice at our neighbor dog whose been outside for the last hour barking. They called him a Beethoven mix puppy and at four months, I don't think you can tell anything about a puppy (or any younger for that matter). Jim and I believe him to be an Akita mix...Yep, we went from Beethoven to Akita. It seems though, he may just have some traits from a St. Bernard. Lately I've been watching his mannerisms, for lack of better entertainment, and I've noticed that he tends to pause and shake while we're on our daily walks, or he'll soak his squeaky balls when we are playing catch due to the overproduction of saliva, and he'll eat all day long if I let him. So as he is growing larger, Sadie is still ruling the roost, the seasons are changing, and Jim is closer to coming home.
It's late February, Jim has only been gone two-and-a-half weeks and it feels like forever. With the early rising reasons, it draws me to think of the sweet mornings waking up beside Jim. I never in a million years would've thought I'd be so lucky. I feel so happy to wake up every morning next to him. If you've never been married, you'll see someday. I also think it's quite funny because this is where we are opposite in the "opposites attract" situation. He loves to wake up and kiss me to say good morning, his good morning being at 11am; my good morning is at 8am and I HATE kissing just after waking up. I've learned that we have to give a little in a marriage. My giving is giving in to those sweet morning kisses that I've learned to love. When a person is in love, they believe everything is possible. They wake up every morning thanking God for blessing them with such a love that no matter what small and meaningless arguments a couple has, they can both reach an agreement before they go to bed. So in the morning, everything is back to sweet good mornings again.
Life, in general, is so short. But then, if you take a year away from your life with your husband, it gets even shorter. And then, for some military wives; take seven deployments, each a year long, and life together seems a bit bittersweet. Life, no matter how long it is, means believing in the time you'll get to spend with loved ones. Believing that no matter what happens or where they are, if you both believe, you're a little bit closer together by heart. Love is so special and when it comes around you've got to grab it and hold on no matter what happens. This is what it is like being a military family. We are holding on to the belief that we are closer by heart, not necessarily with physical proximity. It is similar to believe we are both under the same moon and set of stars and in that we are closer to one another.
Tonight, we are closer than every before. Our hearts are mended together with no allowance to ever part from one another. Our love is stronger, our hope is flowing over, and our tomorrows are filled with faith that God will bring us together again. You may ask me how we are closer when we're a half a world away from each other. Well, today I was able to visit with Jim for a few minutes. It was so special. Of course he was exhausted, but to here his voice and know that when he said, "I love you" I knew his heart was saying "I love you" too. He mentioned that his days were longer with missions and security, but he would never be too tired he couldn't call me. My heart smiled. I felt refilled with the hope of him coming home. It just made me think about how soon I would get to see him again...and the fact that I needed to find a really cute outfit before then! I just got so excited to see him, I could hardly hold it in. I think Shooter felt the connection too cause he was excited today also. We are all connected by faith, hope, and love.
So no matter where we are in this gigantic world, if we have faith, hope, and love, nothing can separate us. LOVE LOVE

♥ I know you are close tonight, I can feel it. I love you. ♥

Military Life

So, many of you are not military and I should like to help you understand a bit better than I've done previously.
1. When Jim's phone rings, he HAS to answer it.
Okay, so sometimes people just don't want to answer their phone calls. Well, we don't have that option. No, Jim has to answer every phone call and if he misses one, he has to call it back. Now, these phone calls don't just last one or two minutes...no, usually they last about ten minutes and they include the fact that he has to go in earlier or later the next day. They typically occur right at the dinner table so that means that supper has chilled by the time we actually eat, but that is okay, at least we eat! Oh, and when one soldier of the group gets a DUI all of the soldiers in the group pay for it. They all go in to work earlier and receive a lecture on the drinking and driving stuff.
2. How long is his work day?
Usually Jim works a 5:00 to 5:00 day and then goes to the gym. So, that means we get up about 4:30am and get him ready to go; then he most-the-time gets to come home for breakfast at 8am, lunch at 11:30am, then home at 6:30-7pm. Now, this may seem nice, but only because we live on post. If we didn't live five minutes away from work, he would not be able to work this. This is partially why we have trouble operating with only one vehicle. This is partially why I could not work. Because the work hours are so wierd that no day is ever the same. With Jim's leadership role, he has to run other soldiers around to accomplish their work for that day. Consider the other military families who do not live on post...
3. When Jim gets off of work...Does Jim ever really get off of work?
When Jim gets a day off of work, he still has to answer those telephone calls, or go in if someone gets into trouble. Every day we wonder if he will have to go into work for some reason. It is similar to a doctor...never off of work.
4. When Jim has a four-day weekend, he has a radius.
Unlike other families that can just leave for a weekend and go home, we cannot. We have to stay within like 150 miles (I think) of our duty station and since it's a 14hr drive home...I don't think that's within the regulation range. So, we are confined to a space with no immediate family. If you are wondering, that is why we do not make it home very often! We usually try to go home every six months or so. It does get exhausting when you can't just leave and disappear for a few days. They always have to know where we are, what we're doing, or how we're spending the weekend. So, the Army pretty much owns Jim and I.
5. When Jim deploys, I wear the pants...ALL THE TIME.
Wrote this the other day:
HA, I've got a story for ya...Today I found this out very clearly. I am in control of everything. You see, I do not like this part. This means that I have to change a tire if it's flat, or in the case today, change a break light. Not what I needed right now. Jim left two weeks ago today so I'm still trying to figure things out...and then this goes wrong. Not only this, but my finals in my classes coming up that I'm completely and entirely absorbed with right now, my dog hadn't peed in four hours, and I'm trying to get two full boxes into the mail for Jim. So, I started to take the light cover thingy off...found out that the little flat thingy that goes under the screw cover thingy was broken. Then found out that the screw cover thingy was stripped out and that I had no light bulb. So, I threw my tools in the back of the car and drove to AutoZone. The nice check-out man came outside to take a peek and by the time he came out with the correct screwdriver, I already had it off and ready for him to pick out the correct bulb. So, I followed him inside where there was a huge line of men staring at me like I was a stupid woman that didn't know what I was doing in a car store. So I played the "my husband is deployed" card and got just what I wanted! Ladies...that's how ya do it. I got that light done within five minutes and was back home to let my puppy out in no time! Just short of that, I'd had a good day. I did get to talk to Jim today and he did sound rather well...very tired...but taking in the fact that I was talking to him at 2:38am his time. Anyways...got that done...AND wore the pants! So, today I've come to the distinct realization that I'm the only one who can help myself. I need to take a car class, a house-repair class, and a doggy-training class. I'm actually thinking about doing that, the doggy-training class, that is. They offer those at Petsmart for like $109 for eight weeks. Lately I've been spending more time outside teaching Shoot more tricks and he is just learning so fast! I'm excited about that!
6. Choppers
No, I think you've got the wrong idea...I'm not talking about salad choppers or "as seen on tv" products; I'm talking about gigantic machines they put in the air and transport large military secrets. Now, I'm sure we've always heard a plane or chopper overhead before so I won't go into to much detail. I will mention though, it shakes our house and thunders so bad that it startles Shooter into tomorrow when he is napping. He acts like the world is falling apart around him until he runs outside and locates the loud-abnoxious flapping. It pains me to say that this process happens about thirty times per day. Absolutely not an exaggeration, you know what I'm talking about if you live near an airport or military base. No matter how annoying, even after nine months of living here, I am only just now getting used to it. I no longer duck when the house shakes - that is a good thing.
7. So you think you can plan.
I do think that you should know also that it is painful to even think about starting a family because there is absolutely no rhyme or reason to deployments or even changing duty stations. You can't just decide when you want to have children. It comes in deciding whether to try when we see each other next or determine whether we want to wait for the next year. One situation in particular. If we were to get pregnant now, Jim would not be home for the birth. If we were to get pregnant in six months, Jim would be home for the last couple of months of the pregnancy then he's off at special forces selection. OR, we could just wait and try when he gets home, but then he'll most likely be gone for the first year of the baby's life. So...that is a little peek at what we go through...planning...There is NO POSSIBLE WAY. So, I have to pray. Now, I don't want to frightening any loved ones reading this, so take it easy, we are not trying right now...that was just an example.
Not only is baby planning impossible but so is wedding planning, vacation planning, planning to move to a new duty station, planning on Christmas or any other special holiday...
Life has been altered, but I think that is why God sealed us together so early. This is just the reason God blessed us with finding our love at such a young age. Since this is the only thing we've really ever known as a married couple I think adaptation has come more easily. If you think of the other older military families, this may be more difficult and add to marital issues later on. Life is so hectic in any situation, add pets, children, and activities to it and you've got everyday chaos. But, at least we are healthy, happy, and employed. I do not know where we'd be without the military. I think that it has opened up our eyes to the opportunities for Jim to advance with and I've been able to finish school, so no matter how awful a deployment can feel or how far apart we are, we are still blessed with so much.

A side note (only it's at the bottom):
I challenge you if you think you're life is difficult, think again. I thought mine was difficult, and then Chile and Haiti happened.

Love: hopes all things...

A lot of times I find myself falling asleep before I end my prayer at night. Why is this, I wonder. I think it is because I hope and pray for so much everyday all day, I never quit praying. Lately my prayers have lengthened, lengthened all the way to Afghanistan. When I pray, my thoughts often stray to what Jim is doing or where he is and wondering what he'd done the day before. Well, then I get a call. Since Jim has been able to call about every two days, a coupla times on those days, it hasn't been all that bad, except knowing he's only going to get further and further away. God will provide assurance to me when He knows I need it. He will always allow me to hope and when I feel drained of hope, He refills it with a phone call. You see, I think that is how this deployment will go. When I start to worry or wonder myself into sickness, God will act. Now, I'm definitely not saying I've figured out God because that is not at all possible, but I think I'm understanding more of how God is working in my life.
Hope is beautiful, isn't it? It's something that keeps a person going from day to day, week to week, month to month.
I will never lose hope. If I do I'll worry, and if anyone else knows me like I know me...that is never good. I worry about absolutely everything. So, I think that is also something that God is wanting me to work on this year. God even says, "be anxious for nothing..." So there it is. I am not allowed to worry any longer. Well, this does not help if you watch the news on Iraq or Afghanistan, or the fact that Iran has declared itself a nuclear country. Jim has told me not to watch the news because most of what the civilian is seeing is just media subjecting the United States population to the false assumptions that the U.S. are struggling. Which, I know that cannot be. We are the strongest country. We are the most capable country.
Which brings me to my next point. All of us military wives think our husbands are the best soldiers. So, that is our hope. Our hope is in the fact that every single one of our soldiers are the most capable soldiers, the most trained, most defined, most resilient, and also have the most courage. It takes courage to walk into war willingly. With every wife thinking that of their soldier...it must be true. Therefore, our military forces are the best, strongest soldiers of the world. Think about it a minute...you'll believe it. If a man has his family behind him thinking that he is the best...he will be the best and if every family thinks that about their soldier...all of our soldiers will be the best.
This is when I ask you to stand behind our soldiers, our husbands, our sons, our fathers, our men. If you hope and believe, he'll find the opportunity to be the best. This is my husbands opportunity to be the best, so I will hope and believe that he is the best...and he'll come home safely. This is Jim's company's opportunity to be the best, so I will hope and believe that they are the best...and they'll come home safely. This is Jim's unit's opportunity to be the best, so I will hope and believe that they are the best...and they'll all come home safely. I love you, my strong soldier.
Have a little hope in every tomorrow. LOVE LOVE

Love: bears all things...

Day One: Feeling much like the plague with a stomach bug, a cold, having the inevitable deployment complete with sobby goodbye's, I am beyond exhausted. I did complete my lone mission today, homework. Just short of a weeks worth of homework, done today. Needless to say, it has kept my mine occupied except for the occassional daydream for the promise of tomorrow; only 179 days away and he comes home for fifteen days, only to rest up, then leave for another 180 days.
As many of you are not military, it seems impossible for me to effectively communicate with you as you have no idea what its like. Now, I'm not saying I know exactly because I'm not in Afghanistan, but I am married to U.S. Army Ranger. For a man to give freely of his life, family, and home, to serve to ensure safety of you, United States citizens. What a weight upon the shoulders of a twenty-two year old. I do have to say, I couldn't handle it. Not even the 50 pound assault pack, let alone, the 150 pound ruck sack, not counting the numerous magazines for his rifle. Oh, and his rifle. How is it though, that we manage? I'll tell you; it is a day to day remind-myself-to-breathe feeling. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those wives that gushes about America not being fair to soldiers and not paying them enough or a wife who jumps on the military soapbox. That's just not me...but for a wife of a soldier deployed, it's different.
It's like he's just out of reach. You wish you could carry his pack, or help him shave, or wake up early so he doesn't have to. It is a helpless feeling. Everyday that I've shared with Jim has been a learning experience for me. He is right though, I'll never understand. He does often have to stop and explain why. Why things are the way they are, but he does take the time. Just like I will take the time to write, and to assure my soldier how much I care and how much I will try to understand no matter how long it takes, even if it never happens.
You see, then, we (wives)are not so different here. No, we all try and try, we do what wives do, we support, and love, and dream, and do everything else to keep a man happy...but here we can, at least, help. If we cannot understand, we can help. Here, I cannot. So, I am left to faith. I pray that God gives me the strength the help Jim where I can help, and to understand when I can understand, and to love always. Through whatever happens, I will always have love. I will always have God's love, Jim's love, and my family's love.
Often, a person wonders why God puts us where we are. I am now wondering. I look at my life, everything we've already accomplished. I wonder why God chose Jim and I to be married; why God chose Jim for the military; why God blesses us so tremendously when we do not deserve it. It always comes back to the message from God; love, the real love. The love that bears all things. Love Love

Live, Love, Laugh

A bittersweet month has begun. You see, I will be suffocated by a solitary life for a year here on a military base with my two animals to keep me company...and people call a woman with a million cats crazy. Oh yes, I am sure to go absolutely burzerco occassionally and rant till there is no tomorrow, but there will be a tomorrow. You can bet on it. My mother will call me, I'll walk the puppy, I'll ride like mad on my stationary bike, and I'll sail through my last year of treacherous college classes with my computer fused to my thighs for the entire afternoon and ending the day with my prayers. Having sucked down two sodas adding to my stomach buldge and devoured five chocolate bars resting on my underarm flab, I'll continue on...and on...with my late-night movies that [my husband says] I've seen a gazillion times and could probably recite them to you right now. They are, most certainly, the best love stories of all time. However, this year, I will be working on my love story from a distance. I do believe "absense makes the heart grow fonder." My love will continue growing with the letters being sent back and forth from Afghanistan proving that we will survive even when the odds are not in our favor. I do believe this will be a monumental point of our marriage in attempting the impossible but with our faith in God, I have no worries. No, the only thing I have is one big vacation from cooking! That has to be the only good thing about this deployment. If you are interested, log on and visit...maybe I'll share a letter or two. LOVE LOVE